Fair Is Fair – It’s Time For The Amazing And Beautiful Women Of OUAT!

Okay, okay….so I like my mancandy. But I’ve gotten some emails and messages from the male (some from the female) viewing audience asking me to spotlight the amazing women of Once Upon A Time. The only problem is….how do I pick just one picture for each girl?

Holy cow, are these women beautiful. And you add in the costumes (I think I’m going to do my next post just on the costumes) and they become other-worldly creatures, beyond comprehension.

So in the interest of fair play…I give you the remarkable women of Once Upon A Time and a collection of pics that I feel capture their outstanding beauty.

Ingrid the Snow Queen

That gown! That condescending smile! That cleavage!

And speaking of cleavage….anybody remember

Jack

Once Upon A Time – Season 3 Episode 16 Recap: Never Bring Your Heart To A Witch Fight

We begin tonight with Zelena’s backstory. She’s been dropped as an infant via cyclone in the woods of Oz, where a married couple (who are enroute to the Emerald City) find her. The woman takes her in, over the man’s objections – and the man has good cause to object. Baby Zelena drops a tree with a wave of her hand.

Forward to present-day and Neal’s funeral, where one by one everyone’s looking down at the grave camera and tossing in a spadeful of dirt to obscure the lens. Everyone is lost in their own misery, except for Regina, who is clearly lost in Henry’s. It’s a beautiful touch to add to the scene.

Across town Zelena is taunting Rumple about how he went through all these machinations, waited all this time only to badly fail his son.

“Tell me Rumple, was he really worth all that trouble?” she asks.

A heartbroken Rumple replies: “Every bit of it. He was family. Something you know nothing about.”

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 11 Recap: Where We Learn That Hearts Can Be Ripped Out Through TV Screens

This episode begins with a conversation at the magical Storybrooke wishing well, where Felix is congratulating Pan for sticking it to Regina. Pan is assembling the ingredients to cast the curse, and happily, one of those ingredients is Felix’s heart, since he’s the closest thing Pan can get to love. He rips the bugger’s heart out and tosses it along with the other ingredients into the well, starting the chain reaction that will bring on the curse.

Our heroes on the other side of town are wondering how they’re going to stop a second curse, and Rumple may have a way. The curse was built to be unstoppable, but the person who originally cast it – and that’s Regina, of course – can use it to reverse the damage. Of course, that’ll come with a price, and it’ll be a steep one.

But first, he recommends that they use a spell to switch Pan and Henry back to their respective bodies, but he needs a powerful tool to do that: the black fairy’s wand.

Tink helpfully provides back story that will no doubt be called upon in a later story arc: the black fairy was well-learned in dark magic and very powerful. Blue exiled her but before she did, she took the black fairy’s wand. It’s possible Blue has it hidden in the church or convent somewhere.

David, Henry, Tink and Neal head off to the church and everyone else goes to Gold’s shop to prepare Henry for the body switch.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 10 Recap: Oh, Is It Time For Another Curse Already?

We begin this episode with Belle leading Ariel to Eric (and their smoochy Disney-bird reunion), just as the Jolly Roger breaks through the sky, streaking to a perfect landing (of course) in Storybrooke harbor.

The cheering crowds welcome our heroes home, and the Lost Boys are shuffled off to God knows where because we never see their sorry, scraggly asses again.

Belle tearfully hugs Rumple as Neal brings Rumple his gold-handled walking stick. Rumple tells his son it’ll be a reminder of the man he is no more.

Wendy finds her brothers, who are also thrilled to see Neal before they all head back to London, also never to be seen again.

In the middle of all these happy reunions, Snow directs everyone’s attention to Regina, giving her the praise she deserves as someone who really came through for them.

Oh yes, she did…bitches.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 9 Recap: And So The Little Prince Melted The Heart Of The Evil Queen…

This evening we begin with deliciously evil Enchanted Forest Regina, rolling along in her royal carriage as Grumpy tolls the town bell screaming “The curse! It’s here!”

Rumplestiltskin is in his cell and Regina arrives to gloat. Rumple asks her how it felt to rip out the heart of the thing she loves the most, and Regina doesn’t dwell upon it. “It was the price of the curse,” she says, “how it felt doesn’t matter.”

Rumple seems to think that it matters very much. Something’s now missing inside Regina. A price that steep leaves a hole in your heart, and someday, Regina will come to him to fill it. She wonders if he’s taunting her in an effort to get out of the last deal he made and escape the curse, but Rumple makes it clear: he’s exactly where he wants to be.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 8 Recap: The Sins Of The Father

We begin back in the Enchanted Forest this evening, with a young boy who’s watching a con man rooking passers-by with a card game. Unfortunately, he’s caught by a savvy customer, who begins to put a hurt on him. The boy runs forward, screaming that this is father, and the customer takes all the money and leaves. The man reassures the child that he’ll figure something out to replace the money, then he calls the boy by name: Rumple.

Forward to Neverland now, and Pan takes Henry to Wendy, who’s looking markedly worse. “If you save magic, you’ll save us all,” he pleads with Henry as Wendy the fakey faker coughs over-dramatically in the background. “We don’t have much time,” he warns.

Back to the Enchanted Forest again, and Rumple’s father is knocking at the door of the local spinsters – and they are truly “spinsters” as the word originates, spinning wool into thread for a living. He asks them to care for Rumple while he goes in search of employment. Young Rumple is clearly afraid and doesn’t want to be parted from his father, but Dad reaffirms that once he gets a real job, they’ll be together. He presses the now-recognizable straw doll into Rumple’s hand, telling him that he now has a friend to watch over him and protect him. He urges Rumple to give the doll a name. “Names always make things better,” he says. “They make them real.”

And then without a backward glance, he leaves.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 7 Recap: And When He Wins Your Heart

We begin this episode in a slight flashback, with Rumple saying goodbye to Belle at the dock before their departure to Neverland. He gives her a cloaking spell to shield the town and she realizes he never means to come back because he’s going to Save Henry^TM.

They show the cheesy CGI of the ship heading into the portal, and Belle lets the town know that they’re not safe – there could be others that were associated with Greg and Tamara who could be on their way to Storybrooke right now.

And of course, there are. We see a car speeding toward the town line, while Belle, Blue, Archie and the dwarves head down to the mines, to open up a vein of fairy dust. Once they do and release the spell, the dust will carry it through town. We see a brightly lit dome come down over the town, knocking the rear bumper off the car, but not before it makes it through and across the town line.

The two men inside glance at each other, and keep on driving into town.

Over in Neverland, Rumple gives Ariel an enchanted shell, asking her to deliver it to Belle. He won’t say what the object is for fear of Pan listening in, but he’s sure Belle will know what to do once she receives the shell. Ariel takes off and we head over to Pan, who senses that someone has left Neverland.

“We need to get word to our friends on the ground in Storybrooke,” he tells Felix. “And I need to have a chat with our friend in the other cage.”

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 3 Recap: Tattoos And Coconuts

Tonight, we begin traipsing through the jungle, and David’s having a hard time with the heat. Emma checks the map and Pan – the asshole – has moved his camp, so the map is essentially no good. Regina wants to use magic to poof into the camp, but Hook advises against it as Pan will surely have barriers up against magic.

He suggests they look up an old fairy friend of his on the island as it’s possible she may have some pixie dust left that they can use to fly in. Into the camp that he just said had barriers against magic, which pixie dust is. Whatever. Then David explains that pixie dust is like nuclear fairy dust, making me cringe and squint one eye because Josh Dallas showed his Kentucky roots and used the hillbilly ignoramus method of pronunciation: “Noo-kyoo-lurr.”

Some reading material for you, Josh.