Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 22 Recap: A Pirate’s Life For Me

We begin – say it with me now- as I always like to begin: with Hook.

We’re aboard the Jolly Roger, somewhere off the coast of Neverland, and Hook is looking longingly at the only remembrance he has of Milah, a drawing of her face. He asks Mr. Smee about the lad they pulled from the sea. Smee wonders with obvious fear if the boy might belong to “him.” Hook points out that if the lad is indeed the one that “he” is looking for, he could be their ticket out of Neverland.

He heads below to question the lad himself, and discovers to his surprise that the boy is Baelfire, and that means he’s the only piece of Milah left in the world. We see an uncharacteristically soft Hook offer the boy a blanket and berth, proclaiming “it’s a pirate’s life for you.”

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 21 Recap: The Shadow Knows

This evening we begin back at the very moment that Rumplestiltskin abandoned young Baelfire, who has landed in London, somewhere in the 1800’s. He lives on the streets for six months, and then breaks into an opulent home, looking for food. He’s about to tear into a loaf of freshly baked bread when he’s caught by the family dog, who barks an alarm. An amazingly beautiful young girl (seriously – this girl is incredibly pretty) comes running and realizes very quickly that Bae isn’t there to harm her. She offers him extra bread, and a warm place to sleep, and then she gives him her name: Wendy Darling.

Forward to Storybrooke, where Tamara is suiting up to go for a morning run, leaving Neal in bed. Not for long, though, because he hears a commotion out his window. It turns out to be dear old Dad, terrorizing Dr. Whale because he thought Whale glanced a little too long in Lacey’s direction.

Neal intercedes, reiterating once again that his father has never changed. He also harps on the fact that dad hasn’t even asked to meet Tamara. Gold replies that Neal’s not getting married – not as long he carries a torch for Emma. Neal tells him that he’s done with him, and warns him to stay the hell away from both him and Henry.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 20 Recap: Evil Queen, Saucy Pirate, Perfect Pairing

We start tonight’s episode in my favorite fashion: with a big ole dose of Hook! Tamara and Greg have moved him up to the clocktower to show him that the job he thought he’d finished (and oh my GOD do I love the way he says “sated”…) is not entirely so. Rumplestiltskin still lives.

Hook is understandably furious over this development, and Greg and Tamara offer him a deal: if he helps them capture Regina, they’ll help him end Mr. Gold. “We know how to kill magical creatures,” Tamara assures him.

Back we go to the Enchanted Forest, where Regina, looking amazing in a tight crimson full-length brocade coat and jaunty feathered hat is bursting in on what she thought to be Snow White’s hiding place. She pulls the villagers out and demands that they turn her in. No one will give her up, despite Regina offering them a rich reward. In a fit of anger, she orders her guards to kill everyone in the village.

Forward to Storybrooke now, where we see Snow and David discussing Regina’s future – or rather the lack thereof, because once they go back to the Enchanted Forest, they can’t take her with them. Not unless they lock her up for life. She’s too big a threat. David points out that every time they give her another chance, she slips.

Unfortunately for them, Regina has heard every word and now she’s seriously on the warpath.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 19 Recap: There’s Something About Lacey

Tonight we start with Henry’s birthday party, held for some reason at Gold’s shop. Grandpa Gold allows Henry to pick out any present he wants from his shop and Henry picks a black wand. Gold uses it on Henry, turning him into ceramic, right before he takes his cane and smashed Henry to bits (by the way, this was an exceedingly cool bit of CGI).

And whooosh! It’s all a dream and Gold is waking up in bed, grasping his chest in panic.

Off to the other side of town, where Gold is now looking on as Neal is pretend sword-fighting with Henry, and up strolls Regina. He lets Regina know that they are now related via Henry, and she’s understandably freaked out to learn that Henry’s birthfather is Gold’s son. She points out that it can hardly be a coincidence, and Gold replies that it’s not a coincidence, it’s fate. And fate, he adds, clearly has a sense of humor.

“They won’t accept you,” Regina tells him. “I’ve seen your dark heart, and it always wins out. If your own son couldn’t bring out the good in you, who will?”

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 18 Recap: Enter The Dragon – A Character Without A Resolution

This evening we begin on a tropical island, circa 2011. Morning has broken, and August (who is laying in bed next to a beautiful naked Thai girl) is sporting some morning wood.

Unfortunately for him, not the good kind. The clock struck 8:15, he got a shooting pain in his leg, and he is literally turning into wood. He tries to convince his companion that he’s turning to wood, but she only sees a normal leg.

Having originally come from a magical realm (and having started life as an inanimate object), August knows full well something is afoot. Or a leg. Whatever it is, it ain’t good.

Now we head over to present-day the loft apartment, where David is making poor widdle Snow some happy breakfast in an effort to try to get her out of bed. Emma doesn’t give a crap if mom is clinically depressed – she tells David to stop mollycoddling her.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 17 Recap: Dark Hearts And Scruffy Guys

Tonight we begin with two fresh new faces: Kurt Flynn and his son, Owen. They’re on a camping trip in the woods and he’s teaching Owen how to make a gimp keychain when suddenly the trees start thrashing and an enormous storm blows in (complete with magical blue fog). They ride it out in their tent, and when they emerge, it’s to find that Storybrook has suddenly appeared. Obviously, we’re flashing back twenty-eight years.

Kurt’s truck was damaged in the storm, so they stroll into Storybrooke. Once there, Kurt tries to make sense of how a town can suddenly appear out of nowhere on a map, when up pulls a sheriff’s car, we focus in on a pair of familiar work boots with leather laces, and blammo! Sheriff Graham cameo!!! YEAH BABY.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 16 Recap: And You Thought Cora Was Hot As An Older Broad! DAYum!

Tonight we’re in the Enchanted Forest, near a shabby looking windmill, and a man who’s either dead, drunk or sleeping in a really awkward position. Guess number two turns out to be correct, when a beautiful young peasant woman pushing wheelbarrow rolls up and reads him the riot act. The drunken man is the local miller – that’s the guy that grinds the grain into flour, for those of you who aren’t busy reading trashy historical romance novels or active in the SCA.

The young woman delivers the flour to the nearby castle, and as she’s hauling the bags, she’s deliberately tripped by a snooty princess in a tiara and gorgeous dress. She falls, spilling a bit of the flower onto the princess’s shoe. The king intercedes and refuses payment on the flour, and further demands an immediate apology – from the peasant girl – for having the audacity to dirty a princess’s slipper. When the king condescendingly asks the peasant girl’s name, we learn that she is none other than our own Cora, in her youth, and DAMN. Just…DAMN girl.

The king orders her to kneel, and then forces an apology by threatening to use another Miller. Cora glares up at the smug princess -now identified as Ava (yes, that Ava – Snow’s mother as a much younger girl) and she gives her a stilted apology, with hatred shooting out of her eyes with the power of a thousand burning suns.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 15 Recap: Bad Blood And Killer Candles

We begin this evening back in the old Enchanted Forest with young Snow White, who is ready for her first birthday ball. Her mother (the breathtakingly beautiful Queen Ava) is prepared to give her the family tiara, but finds it being surreptitiously tried on by a servant named Johanna. Snow busts Johanna’s balls over it, but gets jacksmacked by her mother, who makes it very, very clear that being royal doesn’t give you carte blanche to be a jerk to anyone.

Snow is rightfully ashamed, and apologizes.Her mother reminds her that everyone is worthy of respect, and she wants Snow to always hold goodness in her heart and rule justly. A moment later, Mom lets out a gasp and collapses – showing us clearly that all is not well in young Snow’s perfect kingdom.

Forward to Storybrooke, where Snow is clearly PMS-ing, because she’s hacked at David for making her breakfast on her birthday (she prefers not to celebrate). David points out a strange, anonymous gift-wrapped package that was left outside their door for her, and despite the fact that people have been trying to kill them both for two seasons now, she just rips right in and opens it.

Inside the package is Snow’s family tiara, and a note from Johanna, who is apparently in a town that’s six blocks wide and in twenty-eight years, they’ve never seen her there before. Whatever.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 14: Oscar-Worthy Performances And Makeup, And Hook Eats Some Floor (Again)

We begin tonight back in the Enchanted Forest, and oh, look! There’s Milah! The child abandoning, husband-belittling floozy tart who selfishly wraps her legs around a sexy pirate while her family suffers.

But I’m not bitter. I am actually just really glad she’s dead. One of the few people I can say that about on this show.

Anyway… Rumple comes running into their hovel, excited and happy and chirping with the news that he has been drafted into the Ogre wars. He’s so thrilled about facing potential death, he does a happy little dance that’s just freaking adorable:

The reason Rumple is so happy about potentially being ripped limb-from-limb is that he can now redeem the family name, previously sullied by his coward of a father, and in so doing, finally put them in a place to start a family without fear of their kid growing up with that legacy. Milah tells him to fight bravely, and off he goes.

Ahead to the present-day in Storybrooke, and Regina is crying on Cora’s shoulder about Emma and Gold leaving town with Henry. Hook overhears and he’s instantly interested – Gold outside of Storybrooke is a man without magic, and he can be killed easily. Cora and Regina shut that nonsense right down, since leaving town would leave them powerless, as well.

Hook demands his vengeance, but Cora convinces him to stay and help them find the one thing that can truly kill Rumplestiltskin: the dagger.

And now we’re in New York, where we see an immaculately dressed Mr. Gold stepping out of a cab in front of a run-of-the-mill brownstone building – the location given on the magic globe as Baelfire’s whereabouts. They check the resident doorbell roster, and don’t find him, but do find one suspiciously blank apartment bell. Emma buzzes it and claims to be UPS, but Baelfire isn’t fooled. He climbs down the fire escape and takes off running, shrouded in a hooded sweatshirt.

Once Upon A Time – Season 2, Episode 13 Recap: The Name Game

 

We begin with Mr. Gold,  coming to collect Emma and calling in his debt. He’s got Baelfire’s shawl around his neck and he’s ready to get the hell out of Dodge. Emma demands that they bring Henry along – apparently she doesn’t trust her parents to look after a child (go figure) – and Gold reluctantly agrees.

David pulls him aside to make a request, and it’s a warm and heartfelt moment. “This is my family,” David says, “If anything happens to them…I’ll be devastated.” He asks Gold very humbly to take care of them, and Gold assures him they’ll come to no harm. They hop in his car and off they go to Logan International Airport.