Once Upon A Time – Season 5, Episode 1 Recap: Plot Devices And The Writers Who Love Them

Ohhhhh the excitement of a season premier – and this one is a doozy. Emma’s dark, Zelena’s knocked up, Henry’s an author, Hook heard ‘I Love You’, and Snow and David….uh….they found the baby. Well. That’s something, isn’t it?

We begin this evening in Minnesota, circa 1989 at a retro-viewing of The Sword in the Stone (it first came out in 1963, so I’m assuming that’s what this was). Young Emma has sneaked into the movie theater and pickpockets an airline candy bar from someone in the theater. An usher has seen her and stands over her in a really creepy way before he tells her simply: “don’t.”

He then clarifies: Emma shouldn’t do something she isn’t supposed to do. One day she’ll have the opportunity to remove Excalibur but she mustn’t. “Leave the sword alone,” he tells her, and then he disappears.

And somehow Emma never remembers this? Even after encountering all kinds of freaky crap in Storybrooke?

And now we’re away to Camelot, following Arthur and his knights as they search for Excalibur  – but someone’s beaten them to it. Sir Kay is determined to take the sword and gives it a grab over Arthur’s warning and of course, he’s poofed into dust. “Your turn,” Lancelot deadpans.

Ah, Lancelot. I missed you, you prime piece of manflesh. Damn.

Arthur finally gives it a go, pulling the sword from the stone only to find that half the sword is gone.They must find the other half – which, it turns out, has been made into the Dark One dagger.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 18 Recap: Sometimes, Dead Is Better

We begin tonight with Regina, being paid a visit by her dear older sis, (bearing a basket of tart green apples, no less). Zelena starts in with her whining and Regina snarks about her envious ways. They hem and haw around each other until Zelena admits why she’s really there: as a distraction, so that Rumple can take her heart.

Over in the woods, Rumple is confronting Robin warning him away, when Roland shows up. He tells Robin that he doesn’t want to hurt Roland, but when Robin fires his never-miss arrow, Rumple redirects it toward Roland, holding it in mid-air until Robin hands the heart over.

He apologizes, takes the heart and leaves, dropping the arrow before it can hurt Roland. Regina shows up and Robin apologizes out the ass but Regina’s just glad Roland is okay. Regina points out that she’s still alive, which means Zelena has taken the heart for a far worse purpose.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 17 Recap: My Love Is An Anchor Tied To You

Yes, I titled this recap with an old school song reference. But it’s an awesome song so listen to it after you read.

This evening we begin on a quiet road in the Enchanted Forest, where a coach clatters along. Suddenly, a helmeted knight appears! No, that’s not a euphemism!

The coachmen asks who the man is and he replies (in a very deep voice) that he’s there to rob them, and even with the helmet obscuring his face and hidden by a suit of armor, there’s just no mistaking that crisp, Shakespearean elocution. Hello Hook! And don’t you look dashing in armor!

It turns out that Hook and his crew have turned to banditry in lieu of a ship, and they head off to celebrate their latest haul at a local tavern. The men have chipped in and bought Hook some female companionship for the evening (as if they’d have to pay any woman – please!) and he heads off with the tasty morsel, only to pay her off twice over with her promise that she won’t tell the men he was sending her on her way disappointed.

Awwww. A faithful pirate. My heart.

And the reward he gets for his undying devotion is a club to the back of the head and a knife to his throat, courtesy of one really, really pissed-off mermaid.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 14 Recap: Get That Girl A Skillet!

I was so excited when I saw the promos for this episode. First, because they actually cast a person of color (the Enchanted Forest is an Aryan dream, isn’t it?) and second, because this was Rapunzel. Rapunzel! I couldn’t wait!!

And as Storybrooke has taught me, fairy tales are made to be shattered.

Anyway. We start this evening in the castle during the lost year, and David is looking confused. I know, he does that a lot, but this time, he’s hearing a baby cry, so he goes to investigate. He enters Emma’s former nursery – which we know from Season 2 is in the other castle and demolished – but the room appears to be intact, including that iconic unicorn mobile (Sidenote prediction: They call back to that thing so damn much, it’s got to be flagged for something in the future. It’s cursed or carries an enchantment or something. I’m calling it now).

Standing in the room is Emma, in full princess-wear, asking him to teach her how to dance for her first royal ball.

      Wrong.

Once Upon A Time – Season 3, Episode 11 Recap: Where We Learn That Hearts Can Be Ripped Out Through TV Screens

This episode begins with a conversation at the magical Storybrooke wishing well, where Felix is congratulating Pan for sticking it to Regina. Pan is assembling the ingredients to cast the curse, and happily, one of those ingredients is Felix’s heart, since he’s the closest thing Pan can get to love. He rips the bugger’s heart out and tosses it along with the other ingredients into the well, starting the chain reaction that will bring on the curse.

Our heroes on the other side of town are wondering how they’re going to stop a second curse, and Rumple may have a way. The curse was built to be unstoppable, but the person who originally cast it – and that’s Regina, of course – can use it to reverse the damage. Of course, that’ll come with a price, and it’ll be a steep one.

But first, he recommends that they use a spell to switch Pan and Henry back to their respective bodies, but he needs a powerful tool to do that: the black fairy’s wand.

Tink helpfully provides back story that will no doubt be called upon in a later story arc: the black fairy was well-learned in dark magic and very powerful. Blue exiled her but before she did, she took the black fairy’s wand. It’s possible Blue has it hidden in the church or convent somewhere.

David, Henry, Tink and Neal head off to the church and everyone else goes to Gold’s shop to prepare Henry for the body switch.