|With great cleavage comes great responsibility.|
Or in this case, a whole lot of passive-aggressive evil. I mean, seriously – doesn’t Ingrid remind you of that one Aunt you see at the holidays who’s always reminding your Mom (with a creepy smile) of every embarrassing incident from her childhood? The one that always has your Mom reaching for the wine bottle when she enters the room? Smug little shit.
As it turns out, our Snow Queen has good reason to be smug. She’s cast the curse of Shattered Sight, and our watchful (See! They’re watching! With binoculars!) group of carefully placed lead characters let us know that it’ll be here by sundown.
Rumplestiltskin slithers up to Ingrid (sorry, I’m so mad at him right now I just can’t write anything nice) to make a deal: he wants to leave town with Belle and Henry (since everyone else is gonna die a horrible, PMS-related death), and in return, he won’t be there still alive and all in her face. Ingrid hates him as much as I do and she says bon voyage.
Our group of lead characters (Storybrooke: Assemble!) decide to take on the ice wall in a bid to get everyone out of a town that only Emma, Henry, Hook, Regina and Rumple have ever been able to leave and are mysteriously surprised when that doesn’t work. David swings a pickaxe at the ice wall (nevermind that there’s a diamond-cutting dwarf behind him – he’s gotta show off his hero muscles) which conveniently opens a perfectly straight chasm just wide enough to reveal Anna’s necklace. Elsa shouts “It’s a miracle!” and we all shout “It’s a plot convenience!” and now they’re going to try to get people out on boats.
Elsa goes straight to Belle, who has read up on the spell and found a way to create a magic spell vaccine, as long as you find someone who’s been under the spell before and you rip some hair out of their head. Belle takes the necklace and starts working on a locator spell.
Meanwhile, in Arendelle, Anna and Wallpaper Kristoff have thawed out quite suddenly, the urn is missing and Anna instantly discovers one excruciatingly thin gold straw on the floor and knows without any hesitation that Rumplestiltskin has followed her, taken the urn and gone away. Wallpaper lets her know she’s making a huge assumption on a weird plot convenience, which actually made me laugh because I do love it when the writers call themselves on their own nonsense. Remember David and Grumpy’s conversation in Season Two about David’s real name? *sigh* I miss that kind of witty rapport.
In bursts Prince Hans and his marvelous man-candy brothers, ready to take over the kingdom (despite the fact that they have no claim of succession, but that’s just a pesky detail because hey, they’re hot) and Anna and Wallpaper get the drop on them and run away.
And finally, finally, we see Hook. He’s looking at the ice wall that’s suddenly just now going up in the harbor, when the original wall supposedly surrounded the city anyway. Rumple (the asshole) lets Hook in on the plan and tells him to eff up the fairies, the only ones who can possibly stop the spell. Hook gets good and incensed, clenching that manly jaw, and Rumple reminds him that they’re now besties and he’s gotta do it anyway.
Regina runs off to the forest to warn Robin, who finally decides to break camp. They’ve been in Storybrooke how many months and they’re still sleeping in tents? What the hell, Robin? You can’t let your guys have a decent bed to sleep in? It’s all well and good for you – you’ve got a nice, cooshy bed to crawl into anytime you want it. And apparently, he wants it now while everyone else is in a tizzy around him, breaking camp and he’s busy macking on his mistress. He does have a warm, fuzzy line about living in the moment that made me almost forget how pissed off I still am at Rumple. Almost.
Anyway, Elsa and Emma put the locator spell on the necklace and instead of floating around, it glows. I guess jewelry handles that spell differently since the glow thing happened with Snow’s ring before, as I recall. Oh, look – Emma notices that, too. Somehow, this seems…convenient.
Back in Arendelle, Anna and Wallpaper outrun Hans and the man-candy brothers and Anna (conveniently!) suddenly remembers that her mother’s diary referenced them looking for something called “the Wishing Star” and that may be what they left to look for, since it could, you know, grant a wish. Like helping your daughter. But Anna sort of forgot to mention that to Elsa and instead let Elsa believe Mom and Dad were complete shit as parents. She wants to use it to wish Elsa back to them. Oh, and she also remembers that Mom talked to Blackbeard in search of the Wishing Star.
Wallpaper isn’t sure he likes dealing with pirates anymore than he does wizards and Anna tells him pirates are better than wizards. Wallpaper replies “Says who?” and a chorus of thousands of women (who are all really, really pissed at Rumplestiltskin right now, by the way) all shouted “We do!” at their television screens. Anna points out that pirates like money, so she wants to decimate the treasury, bankrupt her country, pay off Blackbeard and find Elsa.
Meanwhile, the glowing necklace has led Emma and Elsa to the tunnels under the library, and to a solid rock wall that has a whole lot of fairy dust exposed on it. Emma points out that all the rumbling upstairs must’ve shaken all that dust loose. Gee. That’s….interesting. Let’s file that away, because I’m sure it somehow plays into something Emma’s going to do later to defeat the curse.
Grumpy and the magnificent seven are coming to the rescue and will take down that sparkly wall, right after Mary Margaret slaps Regina with a snootful of snark:
|“Yeah if the Mayor only has to worry about one villain and
it’s herself, that frees up a lot of time for infrastructure!”
|“What the f—?”|
|Wait…is that the edge of a nip? I think it is…|